Thursday, March 08, 2007

Drunk Dialing Alert

Drugged dialing would be more like it. Tomrorrow I'm having a wisdom tooth pulled (and eventually removed, I hope). There will be valium involved and possibly painkillers on top of that. Not being a regular drug user, I'm gonna guess that my tolerance for this stuff will be quite low and that the possibility of my becoming completely stupid* under its influence will be quite high.

There is precedent. Like the time in 1998 when a photographer and I shot a story about a runners expo at the Tampa Convention Center the week of the Gasparilla Distance Classic. Olympic champion Bruce Jenner was there hawking these things called Happy Cookies, which where like Chips-A-Hoy chock full of ginko-biloba and St. Johns Wort. We got a sample, left to shoot another part of the expo, came back later, got another sample, went to shoot something else and repeated the process until we realized that we were both politely wasted on Happy Cookies. Good thing we had license to be goofy on that story, which actually aired without getting either of us in trouble.

Less than two months later I had eye surgery. I don't remember the drugs they gave me for that but it wasn't regular anesthesia because it doesn't completely knock you out. It does give some people diahrrea of the mouth. When the surgeon tired of our conversation, I was apparently quite happy to continue it by myself. I remember at one point he announced that he was going to cut into my eyeball and said, "I need you to stop talking."

I remember not talking.

Until I got home and called my mother at work. Or tried to. I misdialed and didn't get her direct line. I don't remember what unlucky soul got to field that call but I'm sure it was plenty evident that Mrs. McQuiston's son was calling to tell her that his drug rehab had failed.

What will probably happen tomorrow is that I'll come home and my cat and I will have a contest to see who can sleep the longest while the ACC Tournament plays on TV in front of us. I'll be using performance enhancing drugs, of course, but Annie practices a lot more than I do so I think it will be a fair fight.

However, in the small chance that I am aware enough to remember how to use a telephone, you might see my number on your caller ID. If so, it might be better for both of our sakes if you let it go to voice mail. And if you delete the message without listening to it.

If you find yourself in mood where "Dumb and Dumber" is too erudite and you crave interactive idiocy without having to drive to a fast food restaurant or wait on hold to talk to a government bureaucrat, call me. If there was ever anything you wanted to tell me but didn't want me to remember, this will be your time.

Otherwise have a good weekend.


*As opposed to my normal partial-stupidity.

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