Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Swingers, Part Deux

A Girl from Texas was correct. Golfer girl did indeed answer my reply to her craigslist ad -- within hours, writing: "ok well...hands down, without question, this is the BEST reply EVER. i like your style. you appear to be relatively sane and you definitely satisfy the "handsome" requirement."


We traded one more e-mail each in the next day or so in which we discovered that we live within a few miles from each other. Then nothing. My last e-mail went unanswered. It didn't have anything too revealing or suggestive in either literal or figurative imagery. It also didn't have anything as creative as my first effort. Maybe her junk mail filter snagged it and she was left wondering what she had done to earn a blow off from me.

Time to put the magic beanie back on to try one more time:

I can only conclude from your delay in writing that you either (A) were kidnapped, tied up and taken away for ransom; (B) kidnapped, tied up and took away someone else for ransom so you could afford the greens fees at Saddlebrook; or (C) met someone who has played golf with me and told you some fantastical untruths about me and my game that I need to set straight.

I'm going to dismiss the possibility for the moment that you have lost interest. I mean, to go from "the best reply EVER" to one not worth responding to in only three e-mails would be a freefall a skydiver couldn't rival. Even the president didn't lose favor that fast!

It was Bill* wasn't it? You met Bill and he told you all kinds of horrible things about me, didn't he? Well, I know his game and I can guess what he said. So, as someone once said, "allow me to retort."**

It is true that I have a very high handicap. It is NOT true that last time we played I "accidently" practiced a backswing into Bill's knee so that if he couldn't stand up our handicaps would be about equal.

It is true that I own a left-handed 6-iron. It is NOT true that it doesn't matter whether I play right or left handed because the score will be the same. That's bowling where I once played against myself and my left hand beat my right hand.

It is true that I once ripped my shorts on a swing and finished the round largely sans pants. C'mon, we only had two holes left. It is NOT true that I was wearing lavender colored silk boxers at the time.

And about the noxious, potentially deadly B.O. Bill no doubt mentioned (he always does)... I smelled perfectly fine until I fell into the water trying to retrieve a ball out of the pond. That was nasty, I'll grant you. And what a pain it was to pull the cart out of that muck! The stench packed such a wallop in the ol' olfactory that we were left thinking that maybe that wasn't water in the pond. Whatever it was did do a great job removing body hair while leaving the skin mostly intact so perhaps it wasn't an entirely wasted effort.

Got a legend from the links to share?


*I don't know anyone named Bill. I made all of that stuff up. Except the stuff I said was true. It was.

**Line uttered in my favorite movie, "Pulp Fiction."

If that doesn't regain her interest at least I got a couple of blog entries out of her. Easily worth double what I paid.


A Girl From Texas said...

Interesting. I have my theories as to why I think the sudden silence but I'm not sure. I have a tendency to overthink things.

John said...

Do share! I could use the insight.

She did reply to that note saying that someone had stolen her golf clubs.

We'll see. It's not something that's going to torment me. I got a good writing exercise out of it so I made out OK even if I never make out with her.

A Girl From Texas said...

By the way, I'm ALWAYS right. :)

A Girl From Texas said...

Has she softened up yet and responded or is it still silent?

John said...

Nope. Haven't heard a thing. I'm apt to let it go. Even with no golf clubs, if she were interested she would have written just to keep contact.

Who knows? Maybe someone came along who had the next "best reply EVER". Or maybe she writes that to everyone. There's no telling with Internet personal ads. Maybe this girl has no idea even what a golf club looks like.

It's not something that's going to occupy much of my time. I got a couple of blog entries out of her (not to mention possible material for future personal ad replies) and that's more than enough.

Don't you think?

A Girl From Texas said...

I don't know, everyone is different.